Another one of those things...

Crimson stains against paper white skin
Each drop, life, each moment precious
face the consequences of crime
face the judgment of time
Plague endlessly by flames
tortured against the stone slabs
barren are you who died
for you have upset the list
Scream of fearsome pain
Laughter, a chuckle, red grins
white flash of blades slice open
wide mouths dripping of blood
Pray for salvation
reality of the lower half of faith
The gate, the escape, has long been shut
redemption will never be yours
Welcome to paradise, welcome to sin
welcome to fear, welcome to pain
welcome to the world you've chosen
as you've spill your last chalice of hope
against the sheet of life.

Poem

Search my heart for a soul, a spark through night
My mind flitters among the darkened sky
Across the vast plains of this world lies me
Hiding, scared and alone.
I hid myself amongst the whitened clouds
I dived into the deepest depths
A desperate act of a caged me
to free myself from tears.
Pull me out of my reverie, wake me up
before i hide deeper within myself
into oblivion, into nothingness
that i desire for.
In my hiding i've found peace, silence, freedom
My body curled in a ball of protection
around my sensitive heart, broken
tread carefully.
Catch me as i finally fall out of dream
hold me like i want you to
see me, see who i am
for then can you wake me.
My spirit is weak, as i throb in the pain of awakening
let me sleep again, i beg, let me dream
let me protect myself,hide myself
for only then there's no pain.
Hold me fast, hold me firmly for i can flitter away
out of your grasp i will never awake again
darkness will be my home
dreams my sanity.
Show me the love you have, strong enough to bind me here
let this rope be my bond, hold me to you
for now awake i bear my fear and sorrow
for you to read clear.
Leave me not for you are my only hold to sanity
if you should go... then leave me now
if you should go...
then let me dream.
It is in dream that i can hold you forever, it is here...
it is in dreams that you're mine
it is in dreams that we're bound
it is here, that love is real.
Leave me now to dream, but if you wake me
if your tears would stain my cheeks
if your lips would seal mine
then stay forever.
Stay and love me, see me, feel me
hold me in your arms, conquer
i would be yours
my heart and soul.

Is it wrong to feel as pissed as i am?

I'm beyond pissed, really! You would think that the look i'm wearing right now, not to mention how i'm gripping this stress ball, would be enough to warn away anyone. I just don't get how "she" can be so... arrg!! I hate calling a friend bad names but OMG, to this point?? It's our thesis paper we're talking here... fine, i didn't do it last night, but i woke up pretty early for this expecting that i'd find two mails containing methodology information waiting for me just to find only one... i expected two not one especially if "she" told me last night that she'll be sending something... wow... i'm impressed really. I know "she" has other things to do, but come on... am i suppose to understand that she hasn't had time to send it last night when she was already online???? Explain that fact to me, will you please!! I'm panicking now... I'm through with my end of the bargain and it's the only time she shows up online. I'm not one to be going into fits of anger because of a friend but... heck! THESIS!!!!!!! come on... she keeps on telling me she wants to help, but... heck! The part that is due to day is the methodology not the revlit... okay, she was told to concentrate on the revlit... but come on!! common sense!! finish the part due today and you can concentrate on the fucking revlit until you tire of it i wouldn't care, i think i'dbe happier then! At least it'll get better... or will it??? That's yet to be seen... damn, fuck, shit!!! Arrgh!! This is my blog so i'm not about to say sorry for those words... i know people nowadays aren't surprised anymore with curses... just give me this chance to let it all out! FUUUUUUUCK!!! I'm not busting my brains out finding the right words to convey the proper intellectual message i wish our mentor would appreciate for nothing... there's a reason why i have a fucking dictionary beside me!

It's not the first time she's gone and disappointed me... arrg! Punctuality is a value that i appreciate in people... if your punctual then i respect that, if your late, fine... if you have a good enough reason then i don't have anything against you... But waking up and coming to a meeting late when you should have been the earliest on the site owing to your favorable location... lets say, just beside the meeting area separated by the fucking street?!! Wow... Okay, there are three of us in the group, i was there early enough, far too early really, my other group mate was early as well... but where was she?? the girl next door... late... wow!! I can see your dedication to the paper, really... wow! I'm really impressed... is the street so far wide that it takes hours to cross it or are you too good for us? should we have waited longer?? Well im sorry princess but we aren't waiting... for crying out loud, come on!We had to wake up early to make it to the site before the meeting time!Damn!!It's not easy waking at 4 in the morning just to get there before the appointed time!! But no... she had to take her sweet fucking time! Bullshit!! I didn't eat breakfast to get there... Okay, she arrives then tells us that she has to leave early... Oh, shit! Go then! You shouldn't have come!!

Ok, there's lateness, and that she doesn't follow through with what she says... oh, there's more... the "I blame you" bit. Fuck off! Don't go pointing fingers, sister... we told you enough, you have to find out things by yourself... ask us, its as simple as that!! Pick up your fucking cellphone and just txt us, its that simple, you hold the darn things most of the time anyway so why not fucking txt us for more information?!! Don't go blaming us for your ignorance, whether it'd be feigned or real... like when you should be listening and you weren't so you end up saying " why didn't you tell me we need 20 sources", bakeru! sir told us we needed 20, if you were listening you wouldn't have asked me that dumb question, what's more, we repeated that to you already...do we have to write things down for you so you remember that we already told you?! I guess i'll be buying you a tape recorder so we could record everything we tell you, just rwind the darn thing so you don't go and start pointing fingers. Damn girl!! I know other groups have already told us things about you, but i didn't really believe them... now... wow! I'm not ignoring things anymore... especially when it comes to you.

Am i being reasonable here, or are my feelings so totally off the mark?

I'm sorry for my grammatical errors... that's all i'm sorry for... when your in such a rage you just don't ponder on that anymore... and i'm in a fit right now so...

20th Birthday...

I'm in my 20th year... *sigh*... i don't feel it but its there... don't look it either if i get to believe what people are telling me. Oh well... can't help it , right, so might as well appreciate the fact that i'm reached my 20th year without looking that old or having too much tell tale signs of depression or stress. Oh well... my birthday had been something new for me... we spent it in Baguio, my family and i with my friend Jessie. A lot of things happened... for one, we had to dress up the night of my birthday before we head on to dinner. My brother(Mike) and Jess got down to the job of dressing me up, Jess did my make-up while Mike did y stitches... not real stitches okay, we're not that morbid, but drawings... i stopped them in time for me to still look human enough:P just kidding, Mike drew some stitches on my forehead and my arm and wrist, he wanted to add some more but i didn't think i'll look anywhere close to being more than a dead bitch than frankensteins daughter or something. Well, it was really fun! Around 10pm that night, Yuri miss called me, so i asked why... he told me they were going up toBaguio the next day... whow! unexpected... The next day came and we met up in Burnham Park, i got to see his mom, bro, sis, grandma and grandfather... i missed his mom, really... i was glad to see here again, i knw it should have been awkward but still i was glad to see them(mom, bro and sis) again. We strolled for a while, me and Yuri, i separated from Mike and Jess then, we talked about a lot of things... and i couldn't help but realize how much i missed spending time with him. I had but a short time with him before we met up with John and my parent's. I reintroduced him to my mom and dad,now that was scary... but it went okay, i don't know why i was nervous about how'd they react to the guy that dumped me then now... well, get the gist... we weren't back together but still there was something there, and i think my dad felt it, i knew that look from him, but i just smiled. Tita Weng arrived with the two yaya's with plastic bag's filled with Ukay-Ukay items. We had to leave then for Camp John Hay so we said goodbye and separated...

This Baguio trip was indeed very different... with not much of a signal for both tv and cellphones we spent most of our times outside, hiking up and down, playing dodgeball and all those stuff... it was fun! I hadn'thad enough chance to do my hw's but it was experience... :)

Barkada get together

I'm so happy for getting the chance to see my friends again!! It's a comfort that after all this time we still mesh! Yup, mesh! Since high school it's obvious that each of us had our own likes and dislikes, we had different personalities but through it all... we all meshed...we went well together. Ok... there were times when things didn't turn out okay, i'd have chances watching fights between my friends take place and all... but through it all, i cannot seem to ignore the truth that we really are a group that would possibly go the distance together!

I miss these guys...and i dare put up our pics!! :P

Times of confusion

Yes... here i go again, i know i know...i'm such an idiot at times! I'm just confused... well, when am i not confused?? Even i wonder. Anyway... i was wondering if Yuri meant everything he'd said that night not so long ago... wow, i make it sound like some fairytale... my bad... i hate that because i know life is far from being one. Hay, its bullshit! Life can be such a chore most of the time... but living, somehow... i don't know, there are times i'd rather be lying dead cold than live... but then again, there are really times worth living for. Anyway, back to the topic at hand... ok,i was wondering if Yuri meant what he said about wanting me back, the wondering had been caused by a long overdue communication between us, a simple txt would have been fine... but nothing, really! for the longest period of time, nothing! So i wondered... ok... questioned almost everything, but it s his fault! So, fed up as i was, i ym him yesterday asking him where i stand then shut the computer off, i got my answer this morning... hay... its a wonder how that guy can make me smile even through everything... i don't know how he does it... i hate it sometimes but there's no denying that he has some obvious effects on me... am i really still that in love with him?? Oh well... no choice but to accept the possibility that i am still that deeply in love with him.

My time...

Have i finally found my salvation? Was it a dream or did i find myself finally seeing the silver lining after such a long time spent under the coldness of gloom? Did last night's conversation really mean what i think they meant... or am i dealing myself another downfall?? Can i trust him? Can i give him the love that I'd kept bundled up after such a painful break? Is this the right thing to do?

Last night, Yuri called me... i was surprised that he did, i was in the middle of txting Jessie when he called... i had to think twice before i answered the phone... some part of me held back, because of what i never did dwell on... maybe it was fear or it was some kind of hesitancy brought about by disbelief... i don't know... But i did hesitate but then i answered the phone after 5 rings i think. The conversation began with checking in on how the other is dong in their school life, thesis and all that, but then a sudden silence fell when he spoke up, he told me to be quiet for a while and i did... that was when he told me everything. He explained a lot of things and i found myself crying and laughing in the background silently... I could not help but remember those days, those times when i fell under such a depression stage, those days that i spent on my bed crying, wondering as to what and where i went wrong... wondering why i wasn't enough to satisfy him... why he left me after everything I've done. After everything, he stopped, he apologized and all and i found myself laughing... hay, i couldn't count how many time he said "really" over and over again. I told him my side... crying as the memories washed back more forcefully this time... i told him almost everything, i couldn't really tell him everything cause i didn't know how to express everything... i couldn't really... I was close on revealing that i still loved him but i stopped myself, besides... he didn't say anything, i wasn't about to open that up yet. He asked me if he had a chance to win me back and i told him that he had always had a chance... he just didn't take it... and that was what hurt me more all those days. He asked me to not give him a hard time... but i guess its only his due... lets see how well he'd fair...:P It's my turn...:P I won't give him a hard time... much... but i guess its my turn to have some fun...:P I love him but... getting me back is something i would have him work for this time.

Foolish Heart...

I'm such an idiot!!

TEAR MY HEART OUT PLEASE!! as time goes by the things he does makes me hurt more... Why can't i just let go?! Why?!! I'm getting desperate... even though how much i try to forget him, even though how much i think that i've gotten over him i keep longing for him... Can't i just get the point that it's over?! Why?! I don't feel like myself anymore... i don't feel like steph anymore... I'm such a wreck now... I hate him for doing this to me but i still love him... I love him and hate him...

I'm lost... I'm beyond lost...

I just smile and smile, i laugh and laugh but the more i portray happiness, the more i seem carefree, the harder it becomes for me... i want to cry but i can't... i can't seem to be able to... I want to cry... i wnat to scream... i want to just hate him fully, but love still remains... I'm just so tired now... I'm stressed out and it has definitely affected my health... my mom sees it, every morning and every night... I can't stay this way... can someone help me through this?? I know many have already lended me their support but it just isn't helping... nothing is... i'm getting worse... I don't even care about my health anymore... I just don't care, i force myself to care... but that's pointless... I can't do this anymore. If only... TEAR MY HEART OUT.... END THIS!

Why was it so easy for him to leave?

Need i ask? The answer has already been given... and i guess i can't take that against him but it was soe hard to understand why he lost all feelings for me...

Last night we had visitors over for the night... and this debate striked up between my dad, ninong and my mom and tita... both women against the men, the children, specifically me, mike and maki just sat at the side amusing ourselves at the flow of the conversation, our opinions we kept to ourselves for the moment, it was hard getting in but our reactions were heard. Arrg! I had a hard time keeping in some of my more vocal reactions because my dad kept pointing out things so lightly that it was hard not explaining that it isn't that easy when you're in a situation that makes you hurt the most. He was lucky enough not to have gone through situations like being left behind because the girl had some other lover or had simply lost interest in him... he was lucky enough to have fallen in love with my mother and ended up happily married. Saying things like how easy it was so hard for people to accept that a relationship ended just by going on with life... but it isn't that easy, i being one of those people, i honestly say that it is far from being easy... it cost me more than heartache... and until now the pain still remains... for the memory never leaves me. You see years may pass but the memory will still remain and so will the pain. Time heals all wounds?? no... time only helps the process of moving on but the wound will always be there... the pain will never disappear, that is what i believe, even though how much we try to think that the pain will leave, it won't, we only learn how to cope with it.

Being human, we feel, that is our curse... we feel as well as dwell on the hurt. We dwell on each emotion we have, dwell on each experience... we think, that is what makes us human.

My heart has a mind of its own

Yes... my heart does have a mind of its own. It shouldn't be so... i should be logical, then and only then would i surpass this problem. I have hoped for an escape route from this box i fell into that day when i gave my heart away. Even then i wanted to free myself from a tangle of emotions that i thought i wouldn't have felt if only i stayed intact. You see what regret is... its a poison that will forever, it would seem, to stay with me until the time when i find myself climbing out of the cage. When that will be still remains a mystery and a future i look forward to as well as fear.

I have cast aside shame

enveloped love in my arms

I have thrown away pride

shrowd myself in sorrow

Farewell to sanity

I linger in vastness

Leaving my tomorrow

to uncertainty...

Damn him!

Tell me I'm wrong when i say that he's being unfair... because he is! I'm tempted to just go up to him and tell him to stop messing around with his bullshit because right now... i feel as if i'm being played for a fool. I don't want to be in the shadows anymore...i don't want to wonder if i should have done something more or if i shouldn't have made a move at all. I'm no mind reader! I'm far from being godly or anything close to that! I'm your average human being without any telepathic talent that would be able to help me understand what he's thinking! Damn it! I don't like this feeling anymore... it leaves me lost and unsure of my next moves... i can't even face him, can't even be near him without feeling the urge to touch him... to try and renew the old feelings that i still crave for. To feel him... damn it but i still love him... if its so easy to erase everything i would have... if its as simple as flicking off the switch then i would have reached inside me and just tear out the switch. I don't want this anymore... i want him to stop playing around... if he wants me back, then why won't he just take the chance, brave everything?! Am i not worth it? Am i not worth the pain, the fear and all?! What have i lacked? Am i wrong in thinking that his words meant something more?!

I'm just hoping for an end to this... its either we get back together or i move on... god... make it the first!

Caught up...

I thought everything was perfect... i thought i was lucky enough to have found him... that this was it... i had fallen in love... and i thought everything to be perfect. I had hoped that that first love would last for a lifetime... i had hoped that he would never leave me... never believed that anything could tear us apart,nothing. I've gone through a lot of trials, i've given up many things for the relationship...i've even trampled on my independence... my pride... everything. I've tried to go out of my way to please him, to take care of the very personthat brought meaning to life... tried to brave everything with him. I was willing to give everything to him... everything...

Can you now blame me for hating him so... for wanting to inflict pain, much more than that he has inflicted on me...but i doubt that's possible...nothing can compare to the pain i now have to bear, i now have to hide. I am unable to scream out, i am unable to break down, i'm unable to let go...

How can something like this happen to me?! How could he just lose all the love he has for me?! where did i go wrong?! Tell me!! I find myself contemplating death like it was some for of salvation... i could easily see mecutting my wrist to end it all... the pain, its the pain that's stopping me from finally jumping that last leap...

I find myself finding nothing in the morning...i see no color in the day...my night's find me shivering from something other than cold, having to contemplate how to portray a smile the next day when i just want to curl up and cry... but i can't cry, i have no tears to shed... i force myself but i cannot shed them... i cannot... i ave to smile, don't i? I have to try and be brave... besides... he's not the only guy in existence... right?...but hear me in this... he's the guy i want... pathetic! Surprising how fucked up life can get... i have never imagined myself to be as weak as this... such weakness should never be shown to the world... i'd rather hide it than show how pathetic i really am... especially in front of him.

May death claim me at its own time... may the stars grant me this wish... that my shattered heart mend... may the fates change their plot for me... may time take pity... and may the world turn back to the way it was.

I have looked for answers and always end up with nothing... I have nothing save my confusion and my broken heart... my spirit tries to take wing but falters at every turn... tell me then, what purpose is there to life when every moment of it is nothing more than an emptiness of reality...

i have managed to survive without him, managed to feel joy without him in the past... now... i must admit that i can live without him, but i am unwilling to do so... He has destroyed me to the point that life itself revolves around him... strangely frightening and beautiful at the same time...

My prison

My heart breaks in a million pieces and yet i find myself smiling... smiling away the pain, the loneliness and the anger. I believed that i could get over anything... over anyone and yet... yet i found myself drowning in my own misery. I locked everything up in delusion enough to find myself gripping tight to reality or else i'll drift along into a world which i could only hope to reach. I'mnot making much sense, but how can i help it when everything else around me makes no sense anymore... i've grown up, and though my mind and my heart wishes to stay within the realm of make believe, of beauty and of love... i cannot, i have been woken up in a manner that i will never forget for it has scarred me more than i thought it could. Many have loved and have lost... and yet thought does not bring me relief... i find no comfort that many has movedon through such hard times... i cannot... i try, but i seem incapable of letting go...

This is my life... my burden... my own prison, a prison i've created due to either love or pure selfishness, i don't really know...