...

Surprising how fast time seem to pass... most of everyone around me, people who have close to me within the three years of college are now leaving. Graduating into a new world. I know i'll be leaving soon as well, graduating, but having to think about these people leaving makes me sadder, lonelier... but i am happy for them. I'm glad that things have worked out, that everything will soon be over, there school life may end here, it may not, but that depends on the path each of them will take. I could still remember the first day of college, the first time i met my batch mates, the first time i got t speak their name and associate these names with their faces. Now, it's nearly time to say good-bye, those days will remain in our memories, no doubt.

***

If only i knew what to expect from college i would have prepared myself more... trained myself to endure each and every day. Treat each and every point as a chance to succeed and avoid any path that leads to failure or pain. If only i'd known that i'd fall in love in college... fall in love then crash and burn then i wouldn't have fallen. I would have stayed away from him... that one person who i still love... yes, sadly yes... i've just realized that i still do love him... but i hate loving him. If seeing his face, hearing his name could make me long and ache... then i do still love him. I don't want it anymore... i don't want to keep on crying... i don't want to have to find something to do just to keep myself from thinking of him... i don't want to wake up every night from dreams that leaves me longing for something more... something that may never be... something that he had thrown away. How could i still love a guy that has forgotten about me... that just... god... if this really is love, please... take it away... i don't want it anymore...

Another one of those things...

Crimson stains against paper white skin
Each drop, life, each moment precious
face the consequences of crime
face the judgment of time
Plague endlessly by flames
tortured against the stone slabs
barren are you who died
for you have upset the list
Scream of fearsome pain
Laughter, a chuckle, red grins
white flash of blades slice open
wide mouths dripping of blood
Pray for salvation
reality of the lower half of faith
The gate, the escape, has long been shut
redemption will never be yours
Welcome to paradise, welcome to sin
welcome to fear, welcome to pain
welcome to the world you've chosen
as you've spill your last chalice of hope
against the sheet of life.

Poem

Search my heart for a soul, a spark through night
My mind flitters among the darkened sky
Across the vast plains of this world lies me
Hiding, scared and alone.
I hid myself amongst the whitened clouds
I dived into the deepest depths
A desperate act of a caged me
to free myself from tears.
Pull me out of my reverie, wake me up
before i hide deeper within myself
into oblivion, into nothingness
that i desire for.
In my hiding i've found peace, silence, freedom
My body curled in a ball of protection
around my sensitive heart, broken
tread carefully.
Catch me as i finally fall out of dream
hold me like i want you to
see me, see who i am
for then can you wake me.
My spirit is weak, as i throb in the pain of awakening
let me sleep again, i beg, let me dream
let me protect myself,hide myself
for only then there's no pain.
Hold me fast, hold me firmly for i can flitter away
out of your grasp i will never awake again
darkness will be my home
dreams my sanity.
Show me the love you have, strong enough to bind me here
let this rope be my bond, hold me to you
for now awake i bear my fear and sorrow
for you to read clear.
Leave me not for you are my only hold to sanity
if you should go... then leave me now
if you should go...
then let me dream.
It is in dream that i can hold you forever, it is here...
it is in dreams that you're mine
it is in dreams that we're bound
it is here, that love is real.
Leave me now to dream, but if you wake me
if your tears would stain my cheeks
if your lips would seal mine
then stay forever.
Stay and love me, see me, feel me
hold me in your arms, conquer
i would be yours
my heart and soul.

Is it wrong to feel as pissed as i am?

I'm beyond pissed, really! You would think that the look i'm wearing right now, not to mention how i'm gripping this stress ball, would be enough to warn away anyone. I just don't get how "she" can be so... arrg!! I hate calling a friend bad names but OMG, to this point?? It's our thesis paper we're talking here... fine, i didn't do it last night, but i woke up pretty early for this expecting that i'd find two mails containing methodology information waiting for me just to find only one... i expected two not one especially if "she" told me last night that she'll be sending something... wow... i'm impressed really. I know "she" has other things to do, but come on... am i suppose to understand that she hasn't had time to send it last night when she was already online???? Explain that fact to me, will you please!! I'm panicking now... I'm through with my end of the bargain and it's the only time she shows up online. I'm not one to be going into fits of anger because of a friend but... heck! THESIS!!!!!!! come on... she keeps on telling me she wants to help, but... heck! The part that is due to day is the methodology not the revlit... okay, she was told to concentrate on the revlit... but come on!! common sense!! finish the part due today and you can concentrate on the fucking revlit until you tire of it i wouldn't care, i think i'dbe happier then! At least it'll get better... or will it??? That's yet to be seen... damn, fuck, shit!!! Arrgh!! This is my blog so i'm not about to say sorry for those words... i know people nowadays aren't surprised anymore with curses... just give me this chance to let it all out! FUUUUUUUCK!!! I'm not busting my brains out finding the right words to convey the proper intellectual message i wish our mentor would appreciate for nothing... there's a reason why i have a fucking dictionary beside me!

It's not the first time she's gone and disappointed me... arrg! Punctuality is a value that i appreciate in people... if your punctual then i respect that, if your late, fine... if you have a good enough reason then i don't have anything against you... But waking up and coming to a meeting late when you should have been the earliest on the site owing to your favorable location... lets say, just beside the meeting area separated by the fucking street?!! Wow... Okay, there are three of us in the group, i was there early enough, far too early really, my other group mate was early as well... but where was she?? the girl next door... late... wow!! I can see your dedication to the paper, really... wow! I'm really impressed... is the street so far wide that it takes hours to cross it or are you too good for us? should we have waited longer?? Well im sorry princess but we aren't waiting... for crying out loud, come on!We had to wake up early to make it to the site before the meeting time!Damn!!It's not easy waking at 4 in the morning just to get there before the appointed time!! But no... she had to take her sweet fucking time! Bullshit!! I didn't eat breakfast to get there... Okay, she arrives then tells us that she has to leave early... Oh, shit! Go then! You shouldn't have come!!

Ok, there's lateness, and that she doesn't follow through with what she says... oh, there's more... the "I blame you" bit. Fuck off! Don't go pointing fingers, sister... we told you enough, you have to find out things by yourself... ask us, its as simple as that!! Pick up your fucking cellphone and just txt us, its that simple, you hold the darn things most of the time anyway so why not fucking txt us for more information?!! Don't go blaming us for your ignorance, whether it'd be feigned or real... like when you should be listening and you weren't so you end up saying " why didn't you tell me we need 20 sources", bakeru! sir told us we needed 20, if you were listening you wouldn't have asked me that dumb question, what's more, we repeated that to you already...do we have to write things down for you so you remember that we already told you?! I guess i'll be buying you a tape recorder so we could record everything we tell you, just rwind the darn thing so you don't go and start pointing fingers. Damn girl!! I know other groups have already told us things about you, but i didn't really believe them... now... wow! I'm not ignoring things anymore... especially when it comes to you.

Am i being reasonable here, or are my feelings so totally off the mark?

I'm sorry for my grammatical errors... that's all i'm sorry for... when your in such a rage you just don't ponder on that anymore... and i'm in a fit right now so...

20th Birthday...

I'm in my 20th year... *sigh*... i don't feel it but its there... don't look it either if i get to believe what people are telling me. Oh well... can't help it , right, so might as well appreciate the fact that i'm reached my 20th year without looking that old or having too much tell tale signs of depression or stress. Oh well... my birthday had been something new for me... we spent it in Baguio, my family and i with my friend Jessie. A lot of things happened... for one, we had to dress up the night of my birthday before we head on to dinner. My brother(Mike) and Jess got down to the job of dressing me up, Jess did my make-up while Mike did y stitches... not real stitches okay, we're not that morbid, but drawings... i stopped them in time for me to still look human enough:P just kidding, Mike drew some stitches on my forehead and my arm and wrist, he wanted to add some more but i didn't think i'll look anywhere close to being more than a dead bitch than frankensteins daughter or something. Well, it was really fun! Around 10pm that night, Yuri miss called me, so i asked why... he told me they were going up toBaguio the next day... whow! unexpected... The next day came and we met up in Burnham Park, i got to see his mom, bro, sis, grandma and grandfather... i missed his mom, really... i was glad to see here again, i knw it should have been awkward but still i was glad to see them(mom, bro and sis) again. We strolled for a while, me and Yuri, i separated from Mike and Jess then, we talked about a lot of things... and i couldn't help but realize how much i missed spending time with him. I had but a short time with him before we met up with John and my parent's. I reintroduced him to my mom and dad,now that was scary... but it went okay, i don't know why i was nervous about how'd they react to the guy that dumped me then now... well, get the gist... we weren't back together but still there was something there, and i think my dad felt it, i knew that look from him, but i just smiled. Tita Weng arrived with the two yaya's with plastic bag's filled with Ukay-Ukay items. We had to leave then for Camp John Hay so we said goodbye and separated...

This Baguio trip was indeed very different... with not much of a signal for both tv and cellphones we spent most of our times outside, hiking up and down, playing dodgeball and all those stuff... it was fun! I hadn'thad enough chance to do my hw's but it was experience... :)

Barkada get together

I'm so happy for getting the chance to see my friends again!! It's a comfort that after all this time we still mesh! Yup, mesh! Since high school it's obvious that each of us had our own likes and dislikes, we had different personalities but through it all... we all meshed...we went well together. Ok... there were times when things didn't turn out okay, i'd have chances watching fights between my friends take place and all... but through it all, i cannot seem to ignore the truth that we really are a group that would possibly go the distance together!

I miss these guys...and i dare put up our pics!! :P

Times of confusion

Yes... here i go again, i know i know...i'm such an idiot at times! I'm just confused... well, when am i not confused?? Even i wonder. Anyway... i was wondering if Yuri meant everything he'd said that night not so long ago... wow, i make it sound like some fairytale... my bad... i hate that because i know life is far from being one. Hay, its bullshit! Life can be such a chore most of the time... but living, somehow... i don't know, there are times i'd rather be lying dead cold than live... but then again, there are really times worth living for. Anyway, back to the topic at hand... ok,i was wondering if Yuri meant what he said about wanting me back, the wondering had been caused by a long overdue communication between us, a simple txt would have been fine... but nothing, really! for the longest period of time, nothing! So i wondered... ok... questioned almost everything, but it s his fault! So, fed up as i was, i ym him yesterday asking him where i stand then shut the computer off, i got my answer this morning... hay... its a wonder how that guy can make me smile even through everything... i don't know how he does it... i hate it sometimes but there's no denying that he has some obvious effects on me... am i really still that in love with him?? Oh well... no choice but to accept the possibility that i am still that deeply in love with him.