Caught up...

I thought everything was perfect... i thought i was lucky enough to have found him... that this was it... i had fallen in love... and i thought everything to be perfect. I had hoped that that first love would last for a lifetime... i had hoped that he would never leave me... never believed that anything could tear us apart,nothing. I've gone through a lot of trials, i've given up many things for the relationship...i've even trampled on my independence... my pride... everything. I've tried to go out of my way to please him, to take care of the very personthat brought meaning to life... tried to brave everything with him. I was willing to give everything to him... everything...

Can you now blame me for hating him so... for wanting to inflict pain, much more than that he has inflicted on me...but i doubt that's possible...nothing can compare to the pain i now have to bear, i now have to hide. I am unable to scream out, i am unable to break down, i'm unable to let go...

How can something like this happen to me?! How could he just lose all the love he has for me?! where did i go wrong?! Tell me!! I find myself contemplating death like it was some for of salvation... i could easily see mecutting my wrist to end it all... the pain, its the pain that's stopping me from finally jumping that last leap...

I find myself finding nothing in the morning...i see no color in the day...my night's find me shivering from something other than cold, having to contemplate how to portray a smile the next day when i just want to curl up and cry... but i can't cry, i have no tears to shed... i force myself but i cannot shed them... i cannot... i ave to smile, don't i? I have to try and be brave... besides... he's not the only guy in existence... right?...but hear me in this... he's the guy i want... pathetic! Surprising how fucked up life can get... i have never imagined myself to be as weak as this... such weakness should never be shown to the world... i'd rather hide it than show how pathetic i really am... especially in front of him.

May death claim me at its own time... may the stars grant me this wish... that my shattered heart mend... may the fates change their plot for me... may time take pity... and may the world turn back to the way it was.

I have looked for answers and always end up with nothing... I have nothing save my confusion and my broken heart... my spirit tries to take wing but falters at every turn... tell me then, what purpose is there to life when every moment of it is nothing more than an emptiness of reality...

i have managed to survive without him, managed to feel joy without him in the past... now... i must admit that i can live without him, but i am unwilling to do so... He has destroyed me to the point that life itself revolves around him... strangely frightening and beautiful at the same time...

My prison

My heart breaks in a million pieces and yet i find myself smiling... smiling away the pain, the loneliness and the anger. I believed that i could get over anything... over anyone and yet... yet i found myself drowning in my own misery. I locked everything up in delusion enough to find myself gripping tight to reality or else i'll drift along into a world which i could only hope to reach. I'mnot making much sense, but how can i help it when everything else around me makes no sense anymore... i've grown up, and though my mind and my heart wishes to stay within the realm of make believe, of beauty and of love... i cannot, i have been woken up in a manner that i will never forget for it has scarred me more than i thought it could. Many have loved and have lost... and yet thought does not bring me relief... i find no comfort that many has movedon through such hard times... i cannot... i try, but i seem incapable of letting go...

This is my life... my burden... my own prison, a prison i've created due to either love or pure selfishness, i don't really know...